A budu vyprávět na Blog.cz

Without Mercy - The Treatment 1., Without Mercy - The Treatment 2., Without Mercy - The Treatment 3., Without Mercy - The Treatment 4., Without Mercy - The Treatment 5.

I better called his fixed line. I didn't want anybody to know who is calling him.

"Yes, please." Female voice. Shit, where is he?
"Good evening, this is Petr Stencl. Can I talk to Vojta?"
"I can't, he is sleeping! Call in the morning."
"When he wakes up, tell him to call Jakub."

She hang up.

Suddenly I saw my face in the mirror. I felt like in a dream. I had blood drops on my face. At once I felt that every single one of them is burning. I quickly turned water on and washed my face. The sink was swallowing lightly pink water. All my hands were dirty with blood.

Hysterically I was wiping the blood away with kleenex. All were still darkening with blood.
I still didn't believe that anything happened. Was it a dream? I didn't understand, I just saw pieces of images; her eyes, a knife, Petr jumping up and swearing, Tonda, frantically beating her with mallet.

I fell down. Again I took the phone and dialled the number of David's fixed line. David actually didn't have any mobile phone, he lost it when playing forbes.

"Good evening, is David in."
"No, David is not at home."
"When he returns, tell him to call Jakub Prochazka. It is a matter of life or death."
"I will tell him." That male voice hang up.

I don't even know why I said that. I just babbled.

Suddenly I was lonely, terribly lonely. I felt that I don't have Kamca anymore, that I won't see her. Blood spots on the jacket. Yes, it is blood!

Fuck, it is probably true...

I wasn't thinkin, I had a crazy switchback of images in my head. I don't even know how long i sat there, when the door opened. I only perceived faces. Tonda was leaned towards me.

"Get up, man"
"We have to finish it, you fucking idiots. You killed her in fron of her house and left there around million traces" Petr stood behind Tonda. I remember smiling ironically.
"What do you suggest?" I heard the voice, but my brain wasn't able to admit that it is mine.
"We have to fasten the blame onto someone else. Don't be fool, do you know what happens when they find her?" I was nodding. Petr was right but everything was so absurd that I couldn't get it. What is he suggesting.

Tonda washed his bloody hands under the running water and suddenly I noticed the mallet. Still, there were Kamca's blood and hairs stuck on it. He let the water run down the rubber head but he was pale. Tonda was scared!

I was scared, too. I put my burning forehead into my palms and waiting for deliverance. Maybe some flash arrives and takes me away. Away, far far away!

"The only thing that occurs to me," I didn't believe I could talk, "the only thing that occurs to me is a criminal. Accidental murderer, do you see, someone who wanted to rape her and killed her."
We were silent. Five, ten or twenty seconds…

"Well, it's the truth." Tonda said. Quietly but calmly.
"But now we have to get back to our table. Even now it is quite suspicious that we are here such a long time." Petr was right again.

Disco club thundered and I was suddenly incredibly calm. I shut the restrooms door and with a nod I ordered another beer. Bartender brought it and smiled at me. Suddenly I saw Kamila's face, that was smiling at me. Cold sweat poured me.

I didn't perceive anybody, not even myself.

I ran out of the bar and stopped only in front of the company. I leaned against the wall. Kamca was returning to me. Everything reminded her. Everything reminded moments spent with her.

I let the memories of nice moments together go on, the holiday on Sazava river, dead laughing with her. He laughed every time he saw her.

I wanted her back, I wanted her body, her soul, her life. I am, yes, I still am her part. Me, dirty with the sin and perdition and her, taintless, delicate. I know that our love is the fight, fight of the good and the evil. And I am the evil.

I don't even know when the boys came. They didn't say a thing and we were slowly going home. At the garages they stopped and looked at me.

"Well, Jakub, you go for the panties, right?"

Feeling their fear I wanted to say goodbye. I felt sick. I still couldn't believe that anything had happened. They were sending me there for panties but I was going there to see Kamca.

I nodded and passed the gap between garages. The closer I was to dead Kamilka, the more I was flooded with fear. I knew what I had to do. Take her panties off and leave. Easy task, but when I finally stood above her I was afraid to touch her. I kneeled down in the snow. I stared at the wall of the garage and from the distance I heard a train hooping.

Then my look glided down to her dead body. Her tiny night gown wore dark bloody spots.

I guessed it was blood.

I carressed her face and felt sticky stuff among my fingers. I feared those dark spots. I feared blood and all of a sudden I feared death, too.

The night gown was hiding her curves and ended right above knees. I lift it up and took off her panties. It wasn't easy but I had to do it. I wiped my tears with sleeve and left.

The boys still stood at the same place and we silently left. At the shopping centre I threw the panties away into a garbage.

Petr left us then and went home. Tonda dissapeared at his house and I quietly enterd the hallway of our block of flats. I dialed once more the David's number. Again, he wasn't at home. Anyway it didn't matter anymore.

Without Mercy - The Treatment 1., Without Mercy - The Treatment 2., Without Mercy - The Treatment 3., Without Mercy - The Treatment 4.

Petr was mindlessly jumping around. "Shit, we killed her. What the fuck are we gonna do."

"Maybe she's not that."Tonda said like absent-minded. Petr kneeled by Kamca and put two fingers on her cervical. Time has stopped. "She is alive, she is fucking alive. She wakes up and we're in the deep shit."

"We have to kill her, we really do, we don't wanna go to jail, do we." I don't know where Tonda took the strenght to speak and even think about the jail.

"You idiot, do you really wanna finish her with the mallet? You already failed once." Stencl was mad.

None of us was thinking of helping Kamca anymore. To save her. We all thought of how to kill her. How to get rid of her. It was really bizzare. If only one of us said a thing it all would have been different. Kamca would have survived.

Today I see it clearly but that time I couldn't have thought of cops, ambulance.. She would have survived for sure.

It seemed to me that we were afraid to bring her back to life. There was the only option - to kill.
"Petr and what about if we step through her chest. Will that kill her?" Tonda used to have stupid ideas but this one was really abusrd. I was thinking if he was really detested her or he was just scared.

Petr paused on. He touched her chest and then he looked at us. "Well, if we manage to do it so that the breast-bone stab the heart, then yes." He was rubbing his chin with the right hand.
A minute of silence. I was standing there like in a dream, motionless.

Tonda was silent and was looking at Petr, who was kneeling by Kamca. Probably none of us understood, what was happening. All of a sudden Petr stood up and Tonda tried with a slow motion to kick her chest.

Then he looked at the sky and kicked again, more heavily. But the leg seemed not to follow his order and on its way to Kamca's chest it lost the power. The kick just thuded.

Fuck, he is an idiot. He is kicking her. Why? My head went around and I kneeled in the snow.
Tonda suddenly pulled the nife out of the pocket. He kneeled above Kamca and started waving it in the air. Stencl stood there aghast.

'This is fucking impossible.' An odd image was slowly running through my head.

I don't know how long the moment took but suddenly I pushed Tonda aside. He fell down and I snatched the nife from his hand.

"Idiots, breaking her chest." I screamed in an undertone. My head was like in a fever. I felt like on a roller coaster. I was loosing my mind and looking for some fix point that I could hold onto.

I kneeled over Kamca. I sensed her warmth a observed her bosom. God, how many times I felt it on me. How many times I wished to touch it. How many times I could have embraced that noble body.

The nife was burning in my palm and her eyes were burning me with that little flame that was yet shining into the night. I felt snowflakes on my glowing face.

"Who else than her sad, broken, sorrowful knight has to be the One. Who else, right, Kamilka. I can't bare your suffering, my love, I won't let them to kick you anymore. I won't let you dying slowly. I will rescue you from the pain, my love."

I remember closing my eyes and was insanely stabbing her chest. I really didn't want Reznak to kick her, I didn't want Stencl to touch her. I was stabbing her and felt her body resisting with each hit. I opened my eyes, the nife unwittingly curved in the air and its blade cut her cervical.

I was madly breathing. My heart was pounding and the other two were standing above me. They were standing silently and were watching me. I put my head down and sobbed.

Time has stopped and the flames in her eyes were losing their strenght. It looked like her eyes are flaming out, disappearing. She is saying good-bye to me…

She was looking at me and I felt that we both din't understand what had happened.

"Jakub, come on, let's go." Petr suddenly found his long-lost calmness. He dragged us away.
It was like I was wearing Seven-League boots. All of a sudden I stood in front of the Kornout. Petr and Tonda rang the bell and the staff let us in.

I sat down at the table and observed how bartender hugged Petr. Everything was like in a fog.
It was like a dream. I didn't even tasted the first sip of the beer. People were passing by the table, music was thundering and I sensed it all being oddly high on fear and madness.

What exactly happened? I needed to get out of this world. I needed to get back in time and do through the evening again and completely different way.

Like in a dream I stood up, went to the restrooms and dialled Vojta's number.

Without Mercy - The Treatment 1., Without Mercy - The Treatment 2, Without Mercy - The Treatment 3

Kamila's mobile phone was ringing. It seemed to me that the whole world must hear that ring tone. Tonde hid behind the garage gripping the mallet under the coat. He looked like the gangster from a bad movie.

I was dusting the snow from the wicket.

I was hoping that Kamca will answer the phone. I wanted to hear her so much. I wanted to apologize a lot. I desperately wanted to demean myself as thousand times before.

At the same time I was worried. What if Kamca doesn't answer the phone. My head was on fire. I was crashing through the space and the only fixed point was the wicket where I stood, and the light behind the window which was shimmering lightly.

"Yes, Kubik…" Her voice, sweet, tender voice. I both love and hate her. Odi et amo.
"Kamca, you know I want to appologize a lot. I wanna have a nice evening with you. You know, I wished the evening to be different. But I couldn't withstand. Forgive me, love."

I stuttered from fear. I wished so much to be forgiven. I wished her to come out in those ball dress and walk with me to Kornout. I coveted to embrace her and wildly kiss her neck. I wished a lot that she was resisting to my kisses. I very much wanted to protect her from the whole world. Me, the only broken knight around the world.

"Kubik, it's late. And my little head aches, you know. I will go to sleep now but tomorrow we will talk, ok?"

Damn, since the time I gave her a diary that I wrote for her she is provoking with a "little head". She knew that it'd drive me mad. She was using her headaches to escape, to keep away from me, to punish me. 'Relax, Kuba, relax!' I said to myself and listened to the silence. Freezing, threatenning silence.

"Kami, please, come. I know I'm stupid but I like you so much and I really want to appologize. You know how telephones lie. Please, come out." Lamps on the street threw a yellow touches on the white snow. Fresh blanket was sparkling with thousands of glims of snowflakes.

"Alright, Kubik, I'll go to the wicket but for a little while only, alright?" She soothed me with that voice like a little child. "Come on, Kami, I need you so much."

She hang up. I gave a nod to Tonda: Everyhing is alright. While waiting for her I was drawing ornaments into the snow with a toe cap. I don't even know what I was thinking about. I felt an utter tranquility.

The front door quietely opened and Kamca ran out. I smiled at her and she was smiling back. Love, my God, Love can hurt so much!

She quietly shut the wicket behind her and stood there, facing me. She reached for my face to caress me. That movement of hers cut my heart. She was the only one who managed to calm my ahcing soul down. I closed my eyes and a tear glided down the eyelid.

"Kami, I'm sorry…" Her hand stopped in the air. She stood there like a statue and watched Tonda. He stood as still as she did. He probably thought that she couldn't see him. Suddenly I made a step towards Kamca. I may have wanted to embrace her but Tonda pulled the mallet up from the coat and lamp light illuminated the mallet in his hand.

Instead of embracing her I put my left palm on her mouth and the right one on the nape.
Slowly, like in a slow-motion picture I knocked her down. Shadow of the lamp was dancing on her face. It was just a moment, before the shadow of the garage hid her face. Only the little flames in her eyes shone into the night.

She was looking at me while Tonda was frantically beating her with the mallet. Eight, ten, twenty hits, I don't know exactly. He was like crazy. Suddenly he stopped and I felt something sticky on my hand. I knew it was her blood. But Kamca still stared at me and I still hold her mouth tightly so that she couldn't scream. Uselessly, she couldn't talk any longer.

Little flames in her eyes were still glowing. Deeply and accusingly. I felt myself inhaling heavily. Unwittingly my tears were running down my cheaks. Kneeling above Kamilka I fling back and watched white snowflakes falling down from the grey sky.

I don't remember how long I was kneeling there. I just know that Tonda arose with the mallet Blood was dropping from the rubber head. He stood there wildly staring at me. I got up and Tonda took Kamca's arms, I took her legs and we pulled her across the snow-covered lawn back to the garages.

I kept silent and Tonda tried to avoid the look to bleeding Kamilka. Her head was passively wobbling, her hair leaving dark tracks in the snow. It was blood. I was afraid it was blood.
Fuck, I killed her - ran through my head. We carried her to the gap between garages. It was all mad. The dark trace left behind Kamca. She was bleeding and I felt sick, terribly sick.

Without Mercy - The Treatment 2

I could not belive that we would really do it but the closer we got to the house, the clearer and truer the idea was. Petr tried to ball Lucka and invite her to his place. She turned him down. Reznak was slightly drunk, an idiotic smile on his face all the time.

You know what happened next but to tell the truth I wasn't in a mood for any "game". I was drifted away by the events. It didn't occur to me to protest. I was really out of reality.

When he slammed the door, Petr offered us Vodka from a bottle. We sipped from the bottle and chased it down with bottled beer. We smiled and clapped hands like teenagers.

"Kuba, you will call Kamca and will make her to come to Kornout and then we také her here."

I don't even know why I didn't slap Stencl. Everything was happening out of my reality. I didn't want to argue with him anymore.I knew that all this is a rubbish.

"Well, we had an argument. But I will try. But, what if she doesn't go?" It was a nonsense. Kamca left the ball an hour ago. It's possible she is already sleeping as well as it is possible that she is in Kornout with someone else. Probably with that guy from the ball.

The thought of someone else embracing her hurt. I feared the truth that she could belong to someone else, that she could embrace him, that she would kiss him.

Damn, it still hurts. The fact she is not here with me still hurts.

Already some years ago we promised to each other that when one of us is dying, the other one will die, too.

I used to tell her that without her my life is irrelevant, that she and only she is able to raise me from the dust.

"Look, if Kamca doesn't go then we pick up someone else at the disco, that's clear, and then we follow the original plan. But don't forget. I'll help to get her in here and then it's none of my business." Tonda couldn't deny his presence. He wanted to be present but only as a "delivery man".

"Sure, I kill her then. I think about it for a long time already. I know how, I know why, I will make it fast and painlessly. Then I will make her ready and the rest is up to Jakub."

"Anyway, I'd like to know who you want to make her ready, Petr?" I didn't have a clue how he want to do it but just to think about it made me shudder.

"Leave it up to me, man, let's go. Tonda, did you take the mallet?"

Tonda nodded and Petr locked the door. Still it was snowing. Cold air hit my face and I felt fear, sadness and excitement. It was strange - instead of getting drunk for disslilusion I walked all over the city for such bloody stupid thing.

Tonda held tightly a rubber mallet and from time to time he fought withit against the snowflakes. Stencl was satisfied and quiet. I don't know where he got the calmness.

On the snow pillow I saw our footprints. Absurd, yes, absurd it is, the thing we are about to do. I am to get Kamca to go to Kornout and then we kill her. It is such a crap. I dated with her, as well as Stencl, Reznak knew her. It is a nonsense.It was absolutely infantile and unreal to even think about it, not to mention planning it.

Why hadn't I stopped it? I don't know, I simply didn't believe that something really happens.

At the garage Petr stopped. I saw him turning pale. Funker! He smiled all the time but now it seemed to me like a strange grimace. "Tonda, you will go with Jakub and feel free to improvize. Kamca has to go with us, is it clear?"

I already knew that something will happen. I passed the path among the bushes and stand at the Kamca's house. Snowflakes burnt my face and behind the windows I saw a little light

How many times did I use to wait for Kamca, how many times I used to excuse for my hystery. Love, my white, tender love. I found her number in my mobile phone and pushed the green button.

"During this year we were really meeting every single day except some three times. Although in the course of the years our relationship logarithmically deepened, Kamila's concern about sex, passion or tenderness was unfortunately falling away. Maybe nothing to marvel, after all It's been a long time… But doesn't release her from liability of all the injustice and harm committed on my dearly loving person!!!"

První díl: Možná přijde konec 1.

Teď vim jen z koho něco můžu mít, z koho něco něco vypadne a kdo mě pošle do prdele. Řekneš, že to je nějak podivně jednoduchý dělení. Asi je, ale hlad mě naučil. Hlad po droze, po rauši, ale i fyzickej hlad, kdy do sebe nedostanu ani kousek jídla a všechno ze mě lítá ven.

Je mi pětačtyřicet a fakt se snažim vždycky přežít jen ten aktuální den. Vlastně ani nevim kolikátýho je a vlastně to ani není podstatný. Je jaro. Další zasraný jaro který možná přežiju. Proč se mě ptáš na hlad. Všechno mam v životě nějak podivně pokroucený. Levou nohu za sebou vleču. Je to takovej můj parazit a když náhodou vylezu z díry ven a mám hlad, tak musim somrovat. Nikdo nesnáší feťáka co stojí na hlaváku a somruje na polívku. Stejně si většinou žádnou polívku nekoupim.

Lžu, já vim, lžu často. Nejdřív jsem začal lhát sám sobě a všem lidem okolo sebe. Ztratil jsem se v tom světě podivnejch lží. Víš co, to přece není důležitý. Asi budu lhářem napořád. Občas se mi v rauši zdálo, že vyjdu u našich na zápraží, sednu si na schod a jen tak koukam kolem sebe. A to už nikdy nebudu mít, už nikdy...

Chytám vzpomínky a hledám se v nich. Kde se ten kluk proměnil v tu podivnou kreaturu. Divíš se, že sám sebe vidim jako kreaturu. Když ti ukážu nohy plný boláků, když ucejtíš hnis z těch ran, když se ráno probudíš a ono není ráno, ale noc, když tě kvůli šlehu skoro umlátěj, když ti umře první kámoš po šlehu v náručí. Víš a to jsou ty sny, který dneska mám a vždycky, když se probudim, tak mam strach z těch dalších snů, který přijdou.

Dneska z bolesti utíkam. Možná mi řekneš, že jsem srab a že bych měl bojovat. Ale s čím? Já už nemam žádnej cíl. Vlastně jsem ho nikdy neměl. Každej feťák si pamatuje na první dávku, první šleh, kterej rozhodl. Nebyla to žádná euforie a nadšení, nebyl to ani strach nebo zatracení. Najednou jsem byl někdo úplně jinej. Někdo, kdo se neztrácel ve vlastních pocitech, smutku a tichu.

Co by mě pomohlo? Klid, nech mě žít. Já vim, řekneš, že to je na hovno život. Je, ale je můj. Každej feťák má možnost volby a já si už vybral.

Fakt jo... a jestli bych s tim dneska začal? Já nevim, možná jo, možná ne, ale když vidim ty nohy, když nemůžu najít zdravou žílu a vim, že musim žít jako zvíře... Nevim, jestli to za to stálo.

Dneska, když se projdu centrem a vidim ty mladý v rauši, tak vidim nad nima ty ksichtíky a některý je tam maj už dneska. Jo, dneska jsou silný a chytrý. Jenže čas je proti nim. Nastřelí se nějakym svinstvem a maj vymalováno. Je to jejich cesta. Každej z nich má svojí cestu a každej z nich dojde na konec. Jen nikdo neví jak.

Jak vidim, tak ty se sama necejtíš.

Ale ono to přijde, ale neboj ten ksichtík nad tebou ještě nevidim.

13.10.2006 jsem vyrazil s Martinem na cestu kolem republiky. Vlakem! Vyjeli jsme z Hranic u Chebu a jihovýchodní trasou jsme objeli celou republiku. Téměř 3600 kilometrů, deset dní, stovky nádraží, desítky přejezdů hranic.

Nádherný zážitek!

Martin nakonec střihnul z cesty drobnou televizní baladu. Vše je přístupné na youtube.com. Takže příjemné pokoukání: Balada o stroji a čase 1.díl, Balada o stroji a čase 2.díl

(BTW: Udělal bych to malinko jinak, ale jinak proč ne:o))))